The Bay Area's Hub for Asian Pacific American Community Arts Since 1972

The theme for APAture 2016 is “here.” We are interested in locations, spaces, homes; the way in which we move through and live in these places. We are interested in the intimacy of our bodies, our narratives, as they relate to being “here,” and our histories, our continued presence, our dreams here. We are living in a pivotal historical moment, and have arrived here, together, each in our own ways. What does "here" mean to you? What is your relationship to "here"?

 

When I’ve often discussed location and home, I’ve talked about migration, adoption, floating between two countries, etc. I think “here” is different for me now. “Here” means being present in my body for a full year thus far. This has never happened. In my life, I have endured chronic illness and mental health illnesses that never allowed me to fully experience the world in my very own body. I would dissociate. Life was too hard, so my spirit would check out at least once every day. I wouldn’t be able to feel pleasure entirely and didn’t entirely feel my own pain. Folks often wince and cringe when I share with them the ordeals that I have endured in my life. They wonder how I made it through and the reality is that my body was suffering from PTSD, so I could feel pain but perhaps not to its full extent in each situation. I went through mindfulness training and dialectical behavior therapy. These led me to return to art in a new way, with a fresh pair of eyes. Making art was less about the product and instead became a way of living, a process that is simultaneously a path. 

 

Sitting with my art every day is the most critical, healing, and radical work that I have done. It has been largely responsible for my ability to be “here.” When I say that sitting with my art was healing, I do not mean that art was therapy, that it was a means to let out emotions that I could not otherwise understand or express. Art was healing because I was allowing myself to return to my writing and drawing nature. I was allowing my mind-body-spirit to align itself by utilizing my natural inclination— to make stuff.  It’s a Buddhist concept of mindfulness and radically accepting my state, my preferences, my needs in every moment. In a culture where artists and potential artists are belittled and devalued (due to the stigmas of being different or sensitive, of making work that does not necessarily add to the systems of capitalism, etc), it is a radical act to sit down with one's work and keep going. It is an act of self-love and a display of unity with others like myself. “Here” is everything in that I can only experience life in this very moment, and in each moment I make the effort to be myself. I recently gave a speech called “Arriving”  at an artist healing retreat. The speech was based on the idea that leaving our traumatic past is difficult but arriving at the temple of our Self is easy. No more shame, no more societal bullshit, just “here.”

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Who are you making art for right now?

 

I’m making art for myself, for Fil-Ams who don’t fit in with other Filipinos, for adoptees, for anyone who has felt alone in their suffering and healing, for my kids. 

 

Much of your work is memoiristic, and now you’re about to publish your graphic memoir CRUSHED; can you tell us a little about your journey in getting this made? What drove you to tell this story?

 

CRUSHED is a graphic memoir that took me about a year to write in words and pictures (several drafts and a final script), and I am in my first and final year of completing the illustrated pages. It will be published by Rosarium Publishing in April 2017. I was motivated to put this story in front of me because it was, at first, a way of reconciling my past and present. I had learned about my birth family’s struggles through several nights of oral storytelling, drinking, crying, and singing. I didn’t want to let go of any of it (including the possible lies, the unreliable narrators, the myths). As I began diving deeper into this project I realized that I was doing much more than recording stories. 

 

I was literally facing my Self on the page every night. I began to see my journey as an adoptee healing from adoption trauma and child abuse. For a while, I was ashamed of sharing such vulnerable details of my life. I soon accepted that the story would ultimately do more good for others than harm to myself just as the countless books that I had read growing up made me feel less alone. I hope, too, that my kids read it when they get older and understand their own abilities to heal themselves when they one day might need it. 

 

Another reason why I chose to focus on adoption was that adoptee’s narratives are ingrained in the Filipino diasporic experience, yet somehow adoption is still a stigma in the Philippines. On top of that, mental health issues are dismissed or covered up in Asian and Asian-American families. Even here, in America, in 2016, I have experience maltreatment for being adopted and for having mental health struggles in the past. I hate that people like myself still have to put up with ignorant and miseducated thinking. I don’t think it will get better unless we straight up tell these stories with courage and vulnerability.  

 

Between comics, poetry, muralism, and your graphic memoir, you’re involved in a lot of projects. What themes do you find are recurring throughout your work?

 

The themes that are recurring throughout my work are feminism (political), the divine feminine (spiritual), horror, and healing. Sometimes, I describe CRUSHED as a type of horror story. Much of my written work looks at the myths and folklore that hide in the corners of our relationships and connections, the monsters that inform our behavior. 

 

What is your favorite motto, quote, or saying?

 

When I was in middle school and high school, I was put in a couple of courses that were meant for students with college potential and zero college aspirations. I was focused on making teachers uncomfortable and challenging them instead of actually turning in work. 

 

Then one of the staff members in high school said, “C students prepare to study. A students just study.” 

 

I didn’t absorb this right away, but I realized pretty quickly that this phrase is more metaphorical rather than literal. Plenty of students don’t try and still get As, while plenty of students try and only get Cs. This phrase does not really apply to academics at all. It does apply, however, to almost anything else that requires effort to reach a goal. It’s a phrase I repeat to myself when I find myself making plans more than putting in the effort. This motto has helped me take steps every day to reach every goal that I have by putting in the effort, and I plan to reach all of my goals even as they transform and grow with me. I tell all of my students, “Don’t wait until you can afford expensive brushes and fancy paper. Start drawing on your hand and start writing on napkins. Don’t wait to do work until your workspace is set up, do work while sitting on the pile of clothes on your bed. A students just study.”